It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
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