literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
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