Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
Randomize
