I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Randomize
