There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Randomize
