I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
Randomize
