Taljing aboutpenisrs w gerruly ska pops
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
