I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
she's not even a shacker, she never made it inside. she's just a porch girl
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
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