well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
After what was supposed to be a one night stand I woke up to a message in my room wall written in marker "Kaitlin got it on in here" definitely a cock block down the road
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
Randomize