Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
Someone stole a lamp last night.
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
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