this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
I dont think problem is the right word. Problems arent something you enjoy. Life would be too boring without gambling.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Randomize
