this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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