Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
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