This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
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