i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
There is still throw up in my sink from before break. God I missed this place
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
Randomize
