last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
Randomize
