I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
My apartment stinks of burning failure
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
