Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
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