She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
