dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
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