My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
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and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
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They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
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