I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Randomize
