Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
She should get an extra 30 days for that Georgia Rule movie......terrible.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
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