my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
operation have a gay friend backfired
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
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