Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
I heard you aren't going to graduate...that suck sorry bro
I heard your girlfriend is trying to spread swine flu because she wants to wear one of those masks to cover up her broke ass teeth
You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
So the answer to your question is yes, I was masturbating on the roof of my building.
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
Randomize
