At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
Randomize
