You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
Randomize
