Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
Randomize
