god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
And then my night got REAL pukey
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
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