I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
Randomize
