I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
Randomize
