I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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