you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
Randomize
