TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
Is is gay if I donloaded Grinder to see if my roommate is gay?
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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