I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
