I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
Pavlovs bj experiment 2012. Welcome to the program.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Randomize
