hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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