youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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