It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
Randomize