Hehe I wanna Australian kiss.. Its like a French kiss but down under ;)
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
sometimes I think that if I just met him. he would have a crazy realization and fall madly in love with me. what do you say? I'm not just another fan.
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
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