if you force a hooker to have sex with you and dont pay her would it be rape or theft? something to ponder
you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
would you consider him our boss?
technically yes
then technically i slept with our boss
he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
Randomize
