after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
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I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
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I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
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