My pussy is not your playground.
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize
