Well douche your snatch and let's go!
My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Randomize
