when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
Randomize
