alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Houston, we have a blender
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
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