Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
