nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
just watched an entire episode so you think you can dance for head. so wasn't worth it
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
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