Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
I'm in the upstairs bathroom. I went to the bathroom after class and realized this is not a shit I want to have publicly. I ran home. We can go to lunch, just give me a min
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
