I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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