Can i not drive my cunt home
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize