Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
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