I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
question. what would be the least awkward way to ask your one night stand if he came inside of you because you would really prefer not to have his illegitimate lovechild. hypothetically.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Randomize
