Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
i dont think there is any level of not caring that i havent covered in the last month
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
i think my cat just said my name.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
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