Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
Randomize
