You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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