I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
You smell like a Billy Joel song
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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