I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
Randomize
