Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
Randomize
