Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
Randomize
