Dude my mom stole all your condoms
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
he's gonorrhea incarnate
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
Randomize
