so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
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